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The Relationship I Most Want to Have

 

Your only chance of getting the partner you most want to have is to be the partner you most want to be. The only way to change your partner is to change what your partner reacts to.

More importantly, reacting to your partner has turned you into the partner you don’t want to be. This exercise is designed to restore your core value. You must do this before you try to solve relationship problems. Any attempt to negotiate with resentment or anger is doomed to failure.

The Partner I Most Want to Be*

List what you consider to be the five most important qualities about you as a husband or wife. (Example: loving, respectful, compassionate, kind, fair)

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List five ways you would like to improve as a husband or wife. (Example: be more engaged, more positive, and more aware of the good moments, more affectionate, more sexual)

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List the five things you most appreciate about your relationship. (Example: companionship, fun, sensuality, vitality, security)

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Construct a narrative about your relationship using the 15 items you listed above. (Example: In my relationship, I strive to be loving, compassionate, kind, fair, and respectful. My relationship brings me fun, sensuality, vitality, security, and companionship. My relationship is important enough for me to make the effort to be more engaged, positive, and appreciative of the good moments.)

Commit to making your behavior consistent with your narrative.

Consult Dr. Stosny

Relationship Complaints

Anti-Contempt

*Note: This exercise is not for abusive relationships. See the Love without Hurt Boot Camp