Friday, May 09 2008

The tone of the Boot Camp is healing, not accusatory, compassionate not blaming, valuing not devaluing, and, most of all, empowering. It offers the most promising path for you and your partner to realize the loving and compassionate people you truly are. Nevertheless, your partner may not readily agree to attend a Boot Camp. Resentful and angry people see themselves as merely reacting to an unfair world. He or she is likely to blame you for the problems of the relationship and, therefore, will not be highly motivated to change.

 

While there are clearly a lot of problems with your partner’s reactivity, there’s some good news in it too: When you approach him or her firmly in your core value, the response you get will most likely change in reaction to you. It’s hard to be resentful, angry, or abusive to someone who is compassionate to you.

 

In approaching your partner, the emotional demeanor of your core value is more important than the words you use. You must be convinced that you and your family deserve a better life and be determined to achieve it. But it’s important to see your partner not as the enemy or as an opponent, but as someone who is helplessly betraying his or who own deeper values by mistreating you. Approach your partner with love and compassion and say something like the following, in your own words:

 

“Neither of us is being the partner we want to be. I know that I am not, and I’m pretty sure that in your heart you don’t like the way we react to each other. It’s hurting you, me, and our children. Because I love you, I can’t let us keep doing this to each other. If we go on like this, we will begin to hate ourselves. We have to do this work for all our sakes.”

 

 

Compassionate Assertiveness

The process of change will not be easy. For it to succeed, your partner has to love you and value your relationship enough to put substantial emotional resources into healing. He or she must know from the outset that, one way or another, you are prepared to stop walking on eggshells. The hard fact is that you may have to leave to motivate change. This may seem like a drastic step, but it is the most compassionate thing you can do. Your tough-love demands are likely to be the only way to help your partner end the pattern of self-destructive behavior that has made you both walk on eggshells.

 

Compassion is the healing emotion, as it puts us in touch with our basic humanity. Your partner will not heal without developing greater compassion. The most compassionate thing for you to do is insist that your partner get in touch with basic humanity and treat you with the value and respect you both deserve. You are most humane when you insist that your partner be most humane.