Rate Your Relationship on the Attitudes and Skills that Support Power Love Values

 

Attitude

Rating (circle one)

 

Good will

Little                   Some                    Lots

Cooperation

Little                   Some                    Lots

Flexibility

Little                   Some                    Lots

Appreciation/acceptance of differences

Little                   Some                    Lots

Binocular vision

Little                   Some                    Lots

Negotiation

Little                   Some                    Lots

Respect

Little                   Some                    Lots

Desire to understand

Little                   Some                    Lots

Commitment to add information rather than attack, dismiss, or undermine

Little                   Some                    Lots

Showing value

Little                   Some                    Lots

 

Enhancing Attitudes that Support Power Love Values

 

This is what I will do to show my partner that I appreciate and/or accept our differences (e.g., I will focus on the diversity, resilience, and strengths that his/her perspectives bring to our relationship):

 

 

 

This is how I will promote good will in our relationship (e.g., keep in mind that I really want the best for my partner): 

 

I will foster a spirit of cooperation in our relationship by (e.g., focus on working together rather than doing things my way):

 

 

 

I will be more flexible in our relationship by (e.g., identifying with my ability to find viable alternatives to my first choice):

 

 

 

 

 

This is what I will do to show my partner respect (e.g., listen, don’t interrupt):

 

 

 

This is how I will show my partner that I really want to understand his/her perspective (e.g., assume that he/she wants the best for us):  

 

 

 

I will keep my commitment to add information to the discussion rather than try to refute or contradict my partner when we disagree.

 

I will show that I value my partner and his/her cooperation by (e.g., saying I appreciate it, hugging him/her, saying thank you):

 

 

 

 

Rate Your on Value Investment

 

Value

Rating (circle one)

 

Equality

Little                   Some                    Lots

Fairness

Little                   Some                    Lots

Friendship/support

Little                   Some                    Lots

Loving behavior

Little                   Some                    Lots

 

Enhancing Power Love Values

Most relationships will not be strong in all power love values. But significant improvement in any one requires at least a little improvement in the others.

As a first step, write your responses the following.

 

This is what I will do to make our relationship more equal (e.g., ensure that my rights, preferences, and responsibilities are neither superior nor inferior to my partner’s):

 

 

 

This is what I will do to make our relationship fairer (e.g., be sure my partner feels that my behavior requests are fair):

 

 

 

This is what I will do to promote friendship and support in our relationship (e. g., confide in my partner and be open to my partner confiding in me):

 

 

 

These are the loving behaviors I will regularly do in our relationship (e.g., be more affectionate, sympathize with my partner’s vulnerabilities and distress, while helping the best I can):

 

 

 

 

Removing Barriers to Friendship/support or Loving Behavior

I want to confide in you and be open to you doing the same. This will make it easier for me to enhance our power love value (e.g., Please try not to criticize me when I confide in you, and I will do the same for you.):

 

 

 

I want to be more loving in our relationship. This will make it easier for me to enhance our power love value (e.g., I know you can't always receive or return my loving behavior, but please let me know at those times that you appreciate my effort):

 

 

 

If you focus on enhancing your power love values, regardless of how you feel while you’re doing it, you should notice after a month or so that you are starting to feel more love.

 

Caveat: Dysfunctions of Power Love Values

Although everyone occasionally violates power love values, deviations over the long run are self-correcting, thanks to guilt and shame. For example, the guilt and shame a partner feels when failing at compassion will motivate compassionate behavior.

 

Unfortunately, many people undermine the self-correcting mechanism of guilt and shame by numbing their discomfort with blame, resentment, distraction, alcohol, drugs, or compulsive behavior. If done consistently, these tactics create habituated dysfunction of power love values.

 

Dysfunction of equality: One partner believes that he or she is morally, socially, or otherwise superior, with prevailing rights and preferences. One partner regards the other as defective, abusive, or emotionally disordered. One likes to “diagnose” the other.

Dysfunction of fairness: One partner is self-obsessed or demanding “special consideration” or privileged entitlements.

Dysfunction of friendship/support: One or both have too little interest in repairing the relationship.

Dysfunction of loving behavior: The relationship is unsafe, laden with resentment, or drained of desire.

Once dysfunctions of power love values become habits, they require intensive intervention that includes emotional reconditioning, i. e., the formation of new emotional habits that remove impediments and barriers to enacting power love values. See the Love without Hurt Boot Camps.