Friday, May 09 2008

Note: Dr. Stosny posted this same material on the Oprah Winfrey website

Anger in relationships is about blame: "I feel bad, and it's your fault." Even when he recognizes his anger, he'll blame it on you: "You push my buttons," or, "I might have overreacted, but I'm human, and look what you did!" Anger management and anger control classes will not address the issue of blame, which tends to replace anger with resentment and worsen emotional abuse and verbal abuse. 

Angry and controlling husbands are very anxious by temperament. From the time they were young children, they've had a more or less constant sense of dread that things will go badly and they will fail to cope. So they try to control their environment to avoid that terrible feeling of failure and inadequacy. But the cause of their anxiety is with them, not in their environment.

The sole purpose of your husband's anger and abusive behavior is to defend himself from feeling like a failure, especially as a:

• Protector
• Provider
• Lover
• Parent

In truth, most men feel inadequate about relationships. We learn to feel adequate by providing what all relationships require: support and compassion.

The Silent Abuser
Not all emotional abuse takes the form of shouting or criticism. More common forms are "stonewalling" and "disengaging." The man who stonewalls does not overtly put you down. Nevertheless, he punishes you for disagreeing with him by refusing to even think about your perspective.

The disengaging husband says, "Do whatever you want, just leave me alone." He is often a workaholic, couch potato, womanizer, or obsessive about sports or some other activity. He tries to deal with his inadequacy about relationships by just not trying.

Both stonewalling and disengaging tactics can make you feel:

• Unseen and unheard in your marriage
• Unattractive
• Like you don't count
• Like a single parent

What All Forms of Abuse Have in Common
Whether overt or silent, all forms of abuse are failures of compassion; he stops caring about how you feel. Compassion is the lifeblood of marriage and failure of compassion is the heart disease.

It actually would be less hurtful if your husband never cared about how you felt. But when you were falling in love, he cared a great deal. So now it feels like betrayal when he doesn't care or try to understand. It feels like he's not the person you married.

Unlike love, which masks the differences between people, compassion makes us sensitive to the individual strengths and vulnerabilities of other people. It lets us appreciate our differences. Love without the sensitivity of compassion is:

• Rejecting (who you really are as a person)
• Possessive
• Controlling
• Dangerous

Harmful Adaptations to Anger and Abuse
The most insidious aspect of abuse is not the obvious nervous reactions to shouting, name-calling, criticism or other demeaning behavior. It's the adaptations you make to try to prevent those painful episodes. Many women engage in constant self-editing and self-criticism to keep from "pushing his buttons." Emotionally abused women can second guess themselves so much that they can lose themselves in a deep hole.

No One Escapes the Effects of Abuse Everyone in a family is affected by emotional abuse.

• Everyone in an abusive family loses some degree of dignity and autonomy (the ability to decide one's own thoughts, feelings and behavior).
• At least half of victims, abusers and children in abusive families suffer from clinical anxiety and/or depression. ("Clinical" means that it interferes with normal functioning.)
• Most victims, abusers and children lack genuine self-esteem.
• Emotional abuse is usually more psychologically damaging than physical abuse.
• Abuse tends to get worse without intervention from someone outside the family.
• Witnessing abuse makes a child 10 times more likely to become either an abuser or a victim of abuse. As adults, they are at increased risk of alcoholism, criminality, mental health problems and poverty.
• Symptoms of children in abusive families include one or more of the following: depression (looks like chronic boredom), anxiety, school problems, aggressiveness, hyperactivity, low self-esteem, over emotionality (anger, excitability or frequent crying) or no emotions at all.
• Witnessing a parent victimized is usually more psychologically damaging to children than injuries from direct child abuse. Seeing a parent abused is child abuse.
• Symptoms of victims and abusers often include one or more of the following:
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Frequent periods of sadness and crying
  • Continual worry, anxiety or excessive anger
  • Obsessions (thoughts you can't get out of your mind)
  • Confusion/impaired decision-making.

How to Get Your Angry or Abusive Man to Change
I have been contacted by many men who saw the Oprah show on emotional abuse and have been inspired to seek help. But I must say that before the show, only a handful of the more than 4,000 angry and abusive men I have treated sought help on their own, without their wives or the courts pressuring them. That's because their addiction to blame makes them think that they are merely reacting to everybody else.

The hard fact is, you may have to leave your husband to motivate him to change. If he is violent or threatens violence, call the police or file for a civil protection order. (Most communities have domestic violence hotlines to help you.) Leaving or calling the police may seem drastic, but they are the most compassionate things you can do. Your tough-love demands are likely to be the only way to help him stop the behavior that makes him lose his humanity as he harms you and your children.

How to Know If Your Husband Has Truly Changed
If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, you have no doubt experienced "honeymoon" periods in the past when, driven by remorse, he seemed to change and everything was fine. The following will help you know that your partner is in the process of permanent change. You will feel that he consistently (every day):

• Values and appreciates you—you are important to him;
• Listens to you;
• Shows compassion—cares how you feel, even when you disagree with him;
• Respects you as an equal and doesn't try to control you or dismiss your opinions;
• Shows affection without always expecting sex;
• Regulates his guilt, shame, anxiety, resentment or anger, without blaming them on you.

Look for Compassion and Support, Not Remorse and Control
Most abusers feel guilt and remorse, at least in the first years of the abuse. Far from encouraging signs, guilt and remorse can actually lead to more abuse, as they:

• Focus his attention on how bad he feels;
• Make him insist that you "get over it" so he can feel better.

In contrast, compassion:

• Focuses attention on how you feel;
• Makes him want to help you feel better.

It is easy to confuse control with support, especially for men (and parents, for that matter) who feel protective. Here are some pointers to help you tell the difference. If he's trying to control you, he:

• Tells you what to do and punishes you in some way if you don't do it;
• Implies that you're not competent, smart or resourceful enough to do it on your own;
• Makes it clear that your perspective isn't important.

If he's trying to support you, he:

• Helps you find what is best for you to do and stands by you if what you decide doesn't work;
• Respects your competence, intelligence, creativity and resourcefulness;
• Values your opinions, even if he disagrees.

Tips for Husbands to Reconnect
If you've been in an emotionally abusive relationship, you almost certainly have developed habits of emotional disconnection. For instance, touch and eye contact are usually the first things to go in distressed relationships.

Because your husband has to overcome a nagging sense of relationship inadequacy, he should initiate all of the following for the first months of recovery.

Establish a daily routine of brief but consistent moments of emotional connection with your wife:

• Hug at least six times a day and hold each hug for at least six seconds. (Hold them that long to overcome any initial awkwardness.);
• Take at least six seconds six times a day to appreciate her;
• Have a weekly date night with just the two of you. (Inexpensive activities or just going for a walk alone together will do the trick.) This has to be as important as an appointment with your boss;
• Adopt a brief daily ritual that expresses your wife's importance to you. For example, offer a single flower or a flower petal, light a candle, write a note or hum a few bars of a song you both like;
• Imagine a permanent lifeline—like the kind the astronauts use in outer space—connecting you emotionally, no matter how far apart you are;
• Take six seconds six times a day to think positively about her when you are not with her. This will make you behave more positively toward her when you are with her.

What Can Help