What happened to love, honor and cherish? There's help for marriages
mired in mutual resentment.
What you won't learn in an anger management class or anger control course: Compassion eliminates resentment, anger, verbal abuse, emotional abuse.

By Ellen Tomson

St. Paul Pioneer Press


   Do you "walk on eggshells?" in your marriage or relationship?

   As many as one - third of American women engage in this tiptoe strategy to
avoid a partner's bad moods or verbal and emotional abuse, according to Steven
Stosny, a relationship therapist for 14 years and author of the recently
published book, "You Don't Have to Take It Anymore."

   "These women spend most of their time trying to avoid criticism, anger,
put - downs or cold shoulders from their husbands or boyfriends," says Stosny, who
estimates he has treated more than 4,000 people for various relationship
problems.

   "These women are anxious a lot, trying to avoid a bad evening, prevent
unpleasant encounters and self - editing what they say," he says.

   The verbal and emotional abuse erupts over anything and everything, including
housework, cooking, work, money, purchases, child raising and going out,
according to Stosny.

   Stosny does not focus on physically violent relationships. (If you're in that
kind of relationship, he advises you pick up a phone and call 1 - 800 - 799 - SAFE, a
national domestic violence hot line that can provide local referrals for help.)

   Stosny's book and practice are aimed at women in relationships that began
well but slowly deteriorated into mutual resentment.

   "When falling in love, if you raised one eyebrow, your partner might get
upset, but now he doesn't even notice," he explains. "It becomes this way very
gradually, and when you feel interest start to recede, you can't help but resent
your partner because you're not getting the attention you need. You feel
ignored; he isn't meeting your needs."

   THE BLAME GAME

   Resentment breeds resentment, and blame in both directions becomes chronic.
While the woman "walks on eggshells," the man becomes hostile and verbally
abusive. In his view, his partner is "always pushing my buttons."

   Others in the household are affected by the tension, too. Research has shown
a child who sees his mother mistreated is more damaged than if the child himself
is abused.

   "Men misinterpret the guilt and shame they feel," Stosny says. "They think
their wives are sending them messages that they are failures as providers,
husbands and lovers. They really feel inadequate."

   Stosny rejects the usual approaches to problem solving, such as
anger - management programs, couple counseling and individual psychotherapy.
In - stead, he endorses self - healing skills he says help women recover from pain
and abuse and reclaim a regular awareness of their innate gifts and strengths.

   But the first step a woman should take is to ask herself: Is it worth it?
Stosny, who grew up in a violent home, acknowledges for some women it isn't.

   For many women, though, it is. When a woman "walks on eggshells," he says,
that is an indication she still feels an emotional bond with her partner that is
probably worth salvaging. Otherwise, she would have already walked out the door.

   When a woman decides she wants to work on the relationship, she needs to
begin by recovering her awareness of her inherent value as a person. Stosny
calls this a "core value." Others might refer to it as the human spirit, life
force or soul.

   Although a man may stimulate negative emotions with abuse, Stosny says, the
emotions are really not about him; they are about the need to value yourself
more.

   Resentment, anger, distress, depression, the feeling of isolation and other
negative feelings you may have signal "you are ignoring or violating something
important to you," he maintains.

   He compares those negative emotions to a gas gauge in a car registering
empty. To fill the "tank" and recover your core, Stosny says you must begin to
take steps to encourage feelings of appreciation, purpose, interest, enjoyment,
compassion and protectiveness in yourself.

   Both people in the relationship are feeling "unlovable," but if a woman is
able to see herself as lovable once again, she can prompt positive changes in
the relationship and come to realize how her partner is also hurting himself,
according to Stosny.

   SUCCESS S TORY

   If only all couples could see themselves as one couple did when Stosny
appeared on "Oprah" in November 2004, he says.

   The couple agreed to allow hidden cameras in their home to tape their family
interactions for several days. Viewing the tape, it was clear the husband
interpreted much of what wife said as criticism, and he responded by continually
belittling her.

   What really shocked the couple, though, was the effect of the behaviors on
their children. One, a toddler, pretended to fall off a piece of furniture and
started screaming so his parents would stop fighting and tend to him.

   After seeing the tape, the husband was no longer in denial about his
behavior, and his wife was able to see how his behavior corresponded to his
sense of failure as a husband and father.

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