Anger Management Failures
Love without Hurt Boot Camps
Anger Management Quiz
Anger, resentment, impatience, jealousy and aggressive impulses typically tell you that something you value seems threatened or your value as a person seems threatened or your personal values are in conflict.
Love, Anger & Resentment Facts.
Many subtle and hidden forms of anger, resentment, and aggression as well as obvious ones, ruin health, love, and relationships.
Anger, resentment, and impatience:
- Increase risk of many deadly disorders, including heart disease, stroke, cancer, high blood pressure
- Increase risk of depression, anxiety, alcoholism, drugaddiction, and other compulsive behavior, such as workaholism and extramarital affairs
- Reduce performance competence while raising performance expectations - you expect to do better but don't do as well
- Increase error rates and misjudgments
- Make you a reactaholic - when other people "push your buttons," you’re a powerless reactor
- Eventually ruin intimacy and sex life
- Create power struggles
- Cause behavior impulses to:
- Inflict emotional or physical injury
- Eliminate positive passion (conviction, meaning, intensity of purpose) through compulsion to avenge, punish, or withdrawal.
Take the Anger Management Quiz
If you often feel that things are blatantly unfair and that you're not getting the help, appreciation, consideration, praise, reward, or affection you deserve, you're you're caught in the relentless treadmill of resentful living.
Resentment builds under the radar; by the time you're aware of it, it's in an advanced state, where it:
- Blocks natural compassion for others, especially loved one, and justifies disregarding them
- Forms a self-linking chain of events that makes you look for things to resent
- Starts a downward spiral of bickering, irritability, cold shoulders, emotional shutdown, angry outbursts, and, eventually, emotional abuse in families
Here are the early signs that resentment is building to danger levels in love relationships. Either you or your partner is:
- Irritated by things you used to think were cute - facial expressions, laughter, tone of voice, manner of dress, etc.
- Losing interest in most forms of intimacy - talking, touch, hugging, sharing, sex
The following are advanced signs that resentment has become dangerous. Either you or your partner is:
- Judgmental about the other's perspective without being curious to learn more about it
- Irritated by how the other feels
- Intolerant of differences - you should see things my way
The RED ZONE:
- Your partner seems bent on making you feel bad, irritating you, hurting you, or pushing your buttons
- It feels like you're sleeping with the enemy.
Take the Resentment Test
|The Most Common Addiction: Anger/Resentment
(from The Powerful Self)
As part of the fight or flight instinct we share with all mammals, anger is the only emotion that activates every muscle group of the body. It comes from the limbic system, a small region of the brain known as the mammalian brain, because we share it with all mammals. Virtually every mammal experiences anger the same way that we do, to mobilize the organism for fighting.
The biochemicals secreted in the brain during the experience of anger — most notably the hormone, epinephrine and the neurotransmitter, norepinephrine — are experienced much like an amphetamine and an analgesic. They give a surge of energy while they numb pain.
Epinephrine is an especially powerful chemical that is sometimes injected directly into the stilled hearts of heart attack victims to get them to beat again. As with any amphetamine, once the surge of anger burns out, you crash. (That surge of energy is borrowed from the future.) The experience of anger is always followed, to some degree, by depression.
Think about it: The last time you got really angry, you got really depressed afterwards. The angrier you get, the more depressed you get, once it wears off. And that is merely the physiological response, regardless of whether you do something while angry that you're ashamed of, like hurting the feelings of someone you love.
So an addictive trap is sprung when the energy surge of anger is used frequently. In no time at all, anger will seem necessary to escape depressed mood, even though it inevitably means more depression. In other words, the brain will look for excuses to be angry and make you an anger junkie.
You may be an anger junkie if you use anger:
- For energy or motivation (can't get going or keep going without some degree of anger). This often takes the form of getting mildly angry to do a job you don’t like to do, like your taxes or raking the leaves. The anger gives you the energy to get through the task, even though you won’t do it as efficiently
- For pain-relief (it hurts when you're not angry)
- For confidence, a stronger sense of self — you only feel certain when angry (probably because you’re oversimplifying)
- To ease anxiety, especially in new or uncertain situations. If you get irritable when things depart from the norm or if you’re super-critical in new social situations, you are using anger as an anxiety-reducer
- To militate out of depressed mood. This can put you on one wicked rollercoaster ride. Pretty soon you’ll have only two feeling states: one of the many forms of anger, such as grouchiness, irritability, or resentment on the one hand, and depression, lethargy, or weariness on the other.
The Anger Junkie Test
I use anger or resentment:
- For energy or motivation (can’t get going or keep going without some degree of anger) ___
- For painrelief (it hurts when not angry) ___
- For confidence (only feel certain when angry) ___
- To enforce a sense of entitlement ___
- To punish or inhibit honest disagreement with opinions ___
- More than once a day, and when you experience anger, it lasts for more than a few minutes. ___
When you're in a hurry or need to get things done or just in the course of an ordinary day, do you:
- Lose track of other people's perspectives? ____
- Fail to understand or care how they feel? ____
- Feel disgusted by their choices? ____
- Feel taken advantage of? ____
- Held back? ____
- Manipulated? ____
- Like hardly anything works the way it should? ____
- Like the world is full of jerks? ____
When I am angry at my spouse (or significant other) and I think about his or her point of view or how she/he is feeling:
- I feel angrier ____
- I feel kinder ____
- I feel warmer ____
- I feel furious ____
- I don't care about his or her point of view, at least not until I cool down ____
- I feel patient ____
- I feel like I should give support and sympathy ____
- I feel like I should apologize for hurting his or her feelings ____
- I feel charitable, forgiving ____
- I find that I can't think about what he or she is feeling until I calm down ____
- I wish he or she would just see it the right way ____
- Why should I see it their way, they don't see my point of view ____
Subtract checks on b, c,
f, g, h, i from checks on a, d, e, j, k, l.