Couples don’t fight about what they think they fight about. It’s not “the big four” they identify in surveys: money, sex, raising the kids, or in-laws.

Most couples fight because they inadvertently cause shame and fear in each other. As long as this unconscious fear-shame dynamic is active, talking about the issue is likely to make it worse.

There is a survival-based mechanism observed in most social animals, in which fear and anxiety of female members of the pack serve as an automatic alarm system to stimulate aggressive-protective behavior in the males. (The better sense of smell and hearing of females makes them more sensitive to danger and more suited to be social alarms.) When the females get scared, the stronger males form a defensive/aggressive perimeter around the endangered pack.

The human brain is more socially structured than that of any other animal. In us, this primitive interactive mechanism takes on more complicated forms that secretly undermine intimate relationships.

Confronted with the anxiety or fear of a woman, a man typically responds with protection/support. But if he does not know how to protect/support or feels like a failure as a protector, he is likely to turn the aggression onto her (usually in the form of criticism, "superior reasoning," control, etc.) or rein it in by withdrawing in frustration (stonewalling or going quiet). Anger or withdrawal by men often stimulates anxiety or fear of isolation in women, even if his anger or withdrawal has nothing to do with her.

In general, a man is likely to stonewall, be critical, defensive, or contemptuous if he experiences or is trying to avoid the experience of failure as a provider, protector, or lover. A woman is likely to be critical, defensive, or contemptuous if she experiences (or is reminded of having experienced) fear of harm, isolation, or deprivation.

If the couple does not understand this unconscious, interactive dynamic, they will think they have a "communication" problem and will likely continue to provoke anxiety and shame in each other as they try to talk. They will begin to think that they have a bad, insensitive, or selfish partner, and eventually give up on the relationship without understanding the primitive emotional mechanism that did the real damage.

Take the Fear-Shame Quiz for Women or for Men

What can help

The best way to disarm the fear-shame dynamic is to recognize when it occurs, which is just about every time you feel bad about interacting with each other. Identify it as something that is happening to both of you, rather than pain that one person is inflicting on the other. Declare that your connection is important to you and do what it takes to compassionately reinstate it.

Once you make connection, the fear-shame dynamic deactivates. Connected, you can solve the problem that activated it. (Usually it's money, sex, raising the kids, in-laws, or control issues.) If you remain disconnected, even your well-meaning and highly skilled attempts to solve the problem will run a high risk of accidentally stimulating more fear or shame in your partner and casuing further disconnection.

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love beyond Words reveals the stunning truth about marital happiness: Love is not about better communication; it's about connection. If you feel connected, it's easy to communicate. If you feel disconnected, it's almost impossible, no matter how carefully you choose your words, as the fear-shame dynamic is hidden beneath the whatever words you use.

Drs. Patricia Love and Steven Stosny have studied an all-too-familiar dynamic between men and women and have reached a truly shocking conclusion. Even with the best of intentions, talking about your marriage doesn't bring you together, and it will eventually drive you apart, increasing resentment and decreasing compassion. 

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking about It teaches couples how to get closer in ways that don't require “trying to turn a man into a woman or a woman into a man.” Full of practical advice about the behaviors that make and break marriages, this essential guide will help couples find love beyond words.

Reviews
“If you've ever told your spouse, ’I talk until I'm blue in the face,’ or ’It's in one ear and out the other,’ stop whatever you're doing and read this book immediately! You're about to discover why talking things out isn't always the best way to get through to your spouse or achieve more closeness and connection. More important, you'll learn exactly what you need to do today to truly transform your relationship forever.”

---Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, founder of divorcebusting.com and author of Divorce Busting and The Sex-Starved Marriage

“Finally a book about improving the marital relationship that honors the differences between the male and female brain!”

Louann Brizendine, M.D.
Author, The Female Brain

"Finally the answer to both a man's and a woman's fondest dreams. Just as the
title says, this book shows you how to actually create passionate, intimate
bonding and connection instead of just talking about it.                  '

Diane Sollee, MSW, founder and director, www.smartmarriages.com

Patricia Love , Ed.D., is an acclaimed therapist and speaker and author of four books, including Hot Monogamy and The Truth About Love . She has appeared on Oprah and Today and on CNN, and has contributed to many magazines, including Cosmopolitan and Self.

Steven Stosny , Ph.D., is a therapist who specializes in men's issues and has appeared on Oprah in two highly rated shows on men and marriage. The author of five books, including, You Don't Have to Take It Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One , he, too, has appeared in the most popular national media.

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