Are You a Resentful, Angry, Verbally Abusive, or Emotionally Abusive Man?

It can happen to anyone!

That's right; anyone can become emotionally abusive in an intimate relationship. The path to emotional abuse begins at the point where resentment starts to outweigh compassion.

Because resentment makes you feel like a victim - it feels like someone else is controlling your thoughts, feelings, and behavior - it comes with a built-in retaliation impulse. If you're resentful, you are probably in some way emotionally abusive to the people you love. You have devalued, demeaned, sought to control or manipulate and deliberately hurt the feelings of loved ones. But you've been so focused on what you don't like about their behavior that you haven't noticed what you don't like about your own. You probably have not grasped that resentment has made you into someone you are not. 

• Does it feel like your wife or girlfriend pushes your buttons?

• Does she have a way of putting you in a bad mood?

• Are there times when you don't want to speak to her or be around her?

• Do you feel like you overlook a lot or swallow a lot, until you can't stand it anymore?

• Does she frequently "do things the wrong way?"

• Can you be having a nice time and then out of nowhere she says or does something to set you off?

• Are you sometimes on edge about having a bad or unpleasant evening?

• Does it feel like you have to criticize her for not being more efficient, reliable, or a better person?

• Does it feel like she makes you yell or shut down when you really don't want to raise your voice or be in a bad mood at all?

• Do you treat her in ways you couldn't have imagined when you first started loving her?

If you answered yes to any of the above, here are some things that your wife or girlfriend probably says about you:

• He's so moody.

• He doesn't see or hear me.

• I feel like I'm his possession.

• I can't be myself; I have to think, feel, and behave the way he wants.

• Nothing I do is good enough.

• I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

The Way Out: Self-Compassion

As we develop more self-compassion, we are motivated less by temporary feelings and more by our deepest values. As a result, we automatically become more compassionate to the people we love.

The key to a successful relationship is maintaining a sometimes delicate balance between self-compassion and compassion for loved ones.

Boot Camps

Take the Emotional Abuse Quiz (Walking on Eggshells)

See Dr. Stosny's Psychology Today blogs on:

Emotional Abuse in Relationships: It Hurts when I Love

Emotional Abuse: Overcoming Victim Identity

Emotional Abuse: Is Your Relationship Headed There?

Verbal Abuse in Relationships: The Mirror of Love

Verbal Abuse

Why your marriage counseling failed

Recovery Formula

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