The Way out of Resentful Living

If you feel that things are unfair because you're not getting enough help, appreciation, consideration, praise, reward, or affection, you're in the grips of resentful living. It builds under the radar in all relationships, because they cannot be fair all the time. The trouble comes when resentment:

• Blocks natural compassion for loved ones and justifies disregarding their feelings
• Forms a self-linking chain of events that makes you look for things to resent
• Creates revenge motives in loved ones
• Starts a downward spiral of bickering, irritability, cold shoulders, emotional shutdown, angry outbursts, and, eventually, emotional abuse

Here are the early signs that resentment is building to danger levels. Either you or your partner is:  

• Irritated by things you used to think were cute - facial expressions, laughter, tone of voice, manner of dress, etc.
• Losing interest in most forms of intimacy - talking, touch, hugging, sharing, sex

The following are advanced signs that resentment is becoming dangerous. Either you or your partner is:

• Judgmental about the other's perspective without being curious to learn more about it
• Irritated by how the other feels
• Intolerant of differences - you should see things my way

The RED ZONE:

• Your partner seems bent on making you feel bad, irritating you, hurting you, or pushing your buttons.
• It feels like you're sleeping with the enemy.

The cure is to understand that resentment covers up a deeper hurt, even when the things you resent seem petty. Therefore, increase your:  

• Core value - get back in touch with the most important things to and about you
• Compassion for yourself - recognize when you are hurt or overwhelmed and try to heal and improve
• Compassion for your partner - recognize when he is hurt or overwhelmed and try to help
• Respectful negotiation skill - you have equal value and equal rights
• Capacity for the opposite of resentment - forgiveness.

If resentment has turned into emotional abuse in your relationship:  

• Take the Walking on Eggshells Quiz
• Develop compassionate assertiveness - because you care about your partner, you can no longer accept the behavior that makes him hate himself beneath his veneer of resentment, anger, or emotional shutdown. For everyone's sake, especially your children's, you must compassionately insist that he stop it immediately.

Help is available in the Stop Walking on Eggshells Boot Camps and in: