If you want to regulate the many forms of anger and resentment, anger-management is not nearly enough. Anger is essentially a protective emotion; managing how you protect yourself will do little to ease the vulnerability you are protecting.

 

The vulnerability that most “problem anger” defends comes from what psychologists call cognitive dissonance or contradictions in the sense of self. To effectively regulate anger over time, you must resolve the conflicts in your sense of self.

 

The first step in the tricky but necessary task of self-resolution is to decide what kind of person you want to be. The following questions are designed to help.

  1. Do you want to be reactive to other people? (They push your buttons and make you act against your best interests or keep you from doing what is in your best interests.)___

Or

Do you want to behave in your long term best interests, regardless of what people say or do?___

  1. Do you want to be driven by your ego?___

Or motivated by your deepest values?___


  1. Do you want to be resentful?___    

Or compassionate?___

 

  1. Do you want to hurt the people you love?___    

Or help them grow and realize their potential?___

 

Even if your resentment and anger are not directed at people you love, they inevitably become the indirect casualties of it.

 

Three important questions about any interaction:

 

  1. Do you want to make this person submit to what you want?___ 

Or willingly cooperate with you?___

 

When people feel valued they cooperate, when they feel devalued, they either resist or submit with resentment.

 

  1. Do you want to value this person?___  

Or devalue this person?___

 

Most angry or resentful behavior devalues, diminishes, harms, or destroys.

 

  1. Do you want this person to value you?___ 

Or devalue you?___

 

Resentful and angry behavior breeds resentment, anger, and revenge.  

 

Crucial Question #1

 

Do you want to be right?___ 

Or do you want to be angry or resentful?___

 

When angry or resentful, you're wrong even when you're right.  

  • It is nearly impossible to understand other people's perspectives when you're angry or resentful. You never have a complete view of a negotiation, even when your part of it is factually right.
  • Anger and resentment make you oversimplify and see only one negative aspect of something. Even if you are right in your appraisal of that negative aspect, you are oversimplifying when you're resentful or angry.
  • Anger and resentment amplify and magnify only the negative aspect of something, which blows it out of proportion and takes it out of context.
  • The person you're angry at will not see that you are right as long as he or she feels devalued.
  • It's easier to see these effects of anger and resentment when someone is angry at you and that person is right, you made a mistake. Your reaction is:
    • "There's more to it, she's oversimplifying."
    • "She's making too much of it."
    • "She just can't see my perspective."
    • You feel reduced to that one mistake, as if all the good things you've ever done don't count.

 

 

Crucial Question #2

 

Do you want power? ___ 

Or do you want value? ___

 

Anger and resentment prepare you to exert power, either in someone's face or in your thoughts and imagination.

 

  • In someone's face resentment and anger lead to power struggles. Exerting power will sometimes get you compliance, sometimes fear, always resentment but never value.

 

  • In your thoughts and imagination, resentment and anger ruin your emotional well being and cut you off from your ability to experience value.

 

Crucial Question #3

 

What is more important to you?

Your emotional well being?___ 

Or the things you resent?___

 

Declaration of emotional well being (say aloud):

 

  • My emotional well being is important to me.
  • More important than everything I resent.
  • More important than everyone else's bad behavior.

Your emotional well being depends on remaining true to your deepest values.

Your deepest values are the things you hold most important – above and beyond survival and convenience factors. Unlike your preferences, which are things you like or enjoy, your values add meaning to your life. Your strongest emotions are guardians of your deepest values.

 

Ultimately, your values rise out of your core value, which is the most important thing about you as a person and the most important thing about your life.