The Real Enemy of Your Relationship Except in the case of systematic emotional or verbal abuse, violence, or infidelity, the real enemy of your relationship is not the personality, selfishness, ill-will, poor behavior choices, personal preferences, anger management deficits, or communication skills of either of you. The real problem in your marriage is the hypersensitive, Automatic Defense System (ADS) that has evolved between you. In other words, you inadvertently push each other's buttons. You probably know what it feels like; it reaches a certain point and you can't turn it off, the missiles start flying on their own, in the form of criticism, yelling, stonewalling, sulking, insults, resentment, anger, emotional abuse, and, in general, failure of compassion.
AUTOMATIC DEFENSE SYSTEM
YOU YOUR PARTNER
It's important to realize that in the vast majority of cases the button-pushing is automatic and inadvertent. It may seem that your partner is out to make your life miserable, but the fact is neither of you likes the way you feel when your ADS gets triggered. It makes you both feel:
It makes you both do one or more of the following (circle which ones you do):
Hypersensitivity There are certain times when your ADS is likely to become hair-trigger. It will help enormously if you are aware of these particularly sensitive times:
Your ADS becomes increasingly sensitive over time as you come to expect that your partner will let you down in some way. You start looking for ways that he or she might trigger your ADS.
In its hypersensitive stage, anything – serious or trivial – can set off your ADS, as long as it stimulates core hurts:
Disregarded Unimportant Accused Guilty Devalued Rejected Powerless Inadequate/Unlovable Almost always, the core hurts that trigger your ADS are the same in both of you. If you are feeling devalued, it is almost certain that your partner is, too, even if he or she seems resentful, angry, or aloof. If you are feeling powerless, inadequate, or unlovable, you can bet that your partner is, too.
Incendiary Triggers Certain incidents are so powerful that anything that remotely reminds you of them will set off your ADS. These usually involve some form of past betrayal. Circle all that apply to your relationship:
Preemptive Strikes Like all defensive systems, the hypersensitive ADS has an unconscious, preemptive strike capacity to “get” the other before he or she “gets” you. It may seem like you are always being defensive, but many times you are striking first in anticipation that you partner is about to do the same.
Good News and Bad News The bad news about your ADS:
The good news about your ADS:
You probably know couples who are numb to one another. They don't hurt because they don't feel. Where there is pain, at least there is life, and a motivation to heal and improve, which requires disarming your ADS.
Disarming Your ADS To Disarm your ADS, you have to:
Because your ADS is reflexive and habitual, it will need some brain rewiring to eliminate, such as that provided by HEALS. Help is also available in the Stop Walking on Eggshells Boot Camps |